BLOGS: You

Why are you so special to me? I can't seem to find the answer to. I guess I know the answer to that, I am just looking for something on why you care about me. You treat me as if I am a better person than I see myself as being. You make me feel so happy. You encourage me, and you inspire me. You make me feel like I am a good person. You don't judge me. How can you do this? In a world where everyone is so critical of me, and where everyone is so mean, you treat me like I am a person. You seem to recognize that I want respect. You treat me like a person should be treated. But why? I have all these labels, engraved into my own soul, in my heart, and in my mind. Worthless, Stalker, Garbage. But you make those labels go away. You bring me to a higher place. How? Why? I have spent many hours wondering these things, contemplating what the logical solution is, and I have come up with nothing. I almost would say that the way you treat me makes you special from everyone else. But last time someone was "different" in that way, they turned around and said I was stalking her. She made me feel almost as good about myself, but she took it away just as easily.

I guess you are special to me because you have been by my side for sometime. Sometimes you were in front of me, and others behind me, but you have always been just a short distance away. You have never been far. You have been my comfort for many years now. You called on me first, instead of last in PE, starting in elementary school. When I was insecure, I could turn to you, and you were always the best of friends I could possibly have. Now all I want is to know that I will never loose you. With the way life is, I have lost many of my former friends, but I still have you, I knew you before I knew any of those whom I have lost, and after you sticking around, a year after my drama, I know I have had you longer than I ever had anyone else. You let me be your partner in Photography class. You let me sit by you in church. You were my first, and my only valentine. You cared, and care about me.

One particular friend comes to mind. She was one of my better friends in high school. She was someone I could turn to when I felt down, but after all that has gone on, she seems more distant now. Almost like she wants nothing to do with me. It breaks my heart to see such a good friend just fade. What could I have done? Nothing. I lost someone, and there was no way I could control it. But you, you are not gone. I just want to hold on to you so tightly, and never let go, because I don't wanna loose you. You brought me out of my depression, that I had struggled with for nearly 7 years. All it took was you motivating me. How could I harm myself, if I knew that it would hurt you too? That was never what I wanted. I wanted to hurt myself to erase the labels. To feel ok again, even for a moment.  But I realized that in the process, I was also hurting you, and I can't do that to you. You are too special to me. Everybody else may be there as supports, but you are my best friend. That isn't something I consider to be something of a lesser category. That is a huge thing for me. I don't have many friends. Matter of fact, there is nobody who really counts as a friend. A friend is someone you spend time with, and someone who will do something to make the other happy. Nobody spends time with me. I am by myself almost all the time. But I have spent time with you. It is something I take to be something serious.

You know who you are. Some others may too, but I don't really care about that. You are my best friend. You are my inspiration, my hope, and my light. You are super special. Being your best friend is the best part of my life. It is a commitment, a responsibility, and a tremendous honor. I love you buddy. <3

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