Grabbing at Straws - Part 1

Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room? Or maybe it wasn't as crowded as you felt it was,  and you know that you were perfectly safe because you were with your closest friends,  but in that moment,  two felt like twenty thousand and you couldn't breathe because everyone's watching you and they took the air from the room and. ....

Stop.
Breathe.
"Sorry."

You're in control. . . Nobody's watching you. They love you and they are glad you are here. But. .... what if they are not glad you're here and you're a third wheel,  and you're useless anyway. . . They'd be better off without you here anyways. They wouldn't even notice you being gone, and even if they did, they'd be happy you are gone. . . .

STOP!
BREATHE!
DAMNIT, BREATHE AGAIN!
"I'm so sorry."

"Don't apologize.  You didn't do anything. It's so annoying that you say sorry so much!"

Great job, fuck up! You're gonna lose another friend. . . Why can't you just be normal?!?!

"I don't know how else to respond other than to apologize..."
"You're fine, it just gets annoying."
"I know." I just don't know how else to respond. . . . Don't you see that I'm suffering? I'm not really fine. Please see the signs. . .

Text someone. . . They will help you. . .

A001 I need your help
A001 What's wrong?!
A002 My head
A012 I can't get control of my thoughts.  . . My mind is racing.  . . Please help me. . .
A026 hello?

Stupid fuck!  She's busy . . . Try someone else

Okay.. .

B049 Heyyy
B049 what's up?
B050 I need you.
B109 my mind is racing. . .
B129 hello?

Nope.  They are busy too. .. They don't care.You are wasting their time. They have better things to do than to mess with you and your bullshit. 

A303 forget it
B304 nevermind.

A304 sorry.  . . My phone died.
A304 are you okay? 
NO
A304 Yeah. I guess. I am fine.

A319 Good. :)

You fucking fool! You should have told her. She can help you 

But, I thought you said that she doesn't care. I thought you said that I am wasting her time.

I never said that. I am your friend. You're fucking stupid to believe your head is against you. 

But. . . you said.

Nevermind that. You should have told her you needed her help. Idiot. 

SEE! Like that.

Like what?

You said I was an idiot.

No I didn't. 

A320 Actually, I need your help. I feel so alone and . . . 
*deletes*

A321 Yeah. . . Good. Can't you feel what kind of pain I am in? Can't you read the signs. . . PLEASE push harder. Please try to help me. I NEED YOU!

Why can't you be like everyone else, and just be normal?! You would see the signs if someone reached out to you, right? Or would you. Would you let your friends suffer in silence too, or would you reach out to them? You're stupid enough you would probably miss all the signs. You would probably not even notice the difference if someone needed you, would you? Stupid stupid.

ENOUGH!
STOP!
NO, SERIOUSLY, STOP! 

IT'S WINNING!

BREATHE!
NOW DO IT AGAIN! 

AND AGAIN! 
BREATH. 
"I'm sorry."

NO YOU IDIOT! DO NOT APOLOGIZE, YOU ARE ANNOYING, REMEMBER!?

STOP!
BREATHE!
GROUND YOURSELF! 

But, I don't remember how to ground myself. You've invaded my head. . . haven't you? You took control so you could win. How can I fight when you stole my weapons?!

C425 C? 
C435 Lucas

C437 I am freaking out for no damn reason. . . 
C447 should I message again? Naw. I don't wanna bother her. She has other shit going on. You're the last thing she needs to worry about. She's not going to reply. . . She has other things to do. Just let it ride. You're not alone. . . you still have me! 

C1251 see, I told you that she wasn't going to reply. You're not a priority. She has other things going on. The last thing she needs to deal with is your bullshit. You live halfway across the globe, and she's never met you. She just says the positive things to help you because she has a big heart. It's nothing personal that she cares about. How could she? She's not even met you. 

LIAR! She cares!

Oh really, how come she never replies? Why don't you two talk like you used to. You fucked it up! You brought feelings into your friendship. Idiot.

She. . . She has a life. 

And obviously she doesn't want you to be a part of it. 

Ye. . . yes she does. 

But does she? She would reply if she wanted you in her life, right? 

. . . I . . . I don't know. 

EXACTLY! 

A1301 I need you. . . PLEASE. PLEASE BE AWAKE. 

B1301 I need you. . . PLEASE. PLEASE BE AWAKE.
C1301 I need you. . . PLEASE. PLEASE BE AWAKE.

D1301 I need you. . . PLEASE. PLEASE BE AWAKE.
E1301 I need you. . . PLEASE. PLEASE BE AWAKE. 

F1301 I need you. . . PLEASE. PLEASE BE AWAKE.
G1301 I need you. . . PLEASE. PLEASE BE AWAKE. 

Annoying fucker, aren't you? 

E1335 You're fine. . . Just be happy. Think positive thoughts.

Don't you realize how hard I try? It's not that easy. Should I say that. . . no, that will be rude. . .

But, it's true, right? I try so hard to be happy. . . And I am just failing at it. . . Just like everything else I am a failure at. . . 

He goes to lay down for the night. Looking at his phone, he realizes that it is nearly 5AM. . . and that he has to be to work in two and a half hours. He stares at the ceiling, as the morning sun begins to crest the hillside. His thoughts continue to consume him, as he lies there, assaulted by his own mind, losing the battle. He slowly fades into sleep, if only a few moments, so he can function for the next day slightly better than nothing at all. As he closes his eyes, his alarm alerts him it's time to start a new day.

Just another disappointment in this hell we call life.







TO BE CONTINUED. . . .